Jack O’Neill stood by Sam’s bed, frustration welling inside him. Samantha Carter, the woman he loved, had just returned from the dead. He’d thought he’d lost her and now she was back. All he wanted to do was hold her, but they were in the M.A.L.P. room, surrounded by Cheyenne personnel. He raised a hand to touch her, but it wouldn’t do, not here, not now. No matter what had happened, Sam was still a major, and he was her commanding officer. When he realised where he was he let his hand drop. He lightly punched the air with his fist, hoping no one had noticed the aborted gesture.

Jack went to see Sam as soon as she’d been settled into the infirmary. She looked pale. The beautiful smile and sparkling blue eyes that never failed to make his heart skip a beat, where were they? He wondered if she knew that he’d zapped her with a zat gun – twice. The alien entity that had invaded Sam’s brain had threatened not just the base, but Earth itself. His job was to protect, but he hadn’t been able to protect Sam. Instead, he’d killed her. Getting her back from that alien-built doohicky was an outcome none of them had anticipated. He hoped she’d understand why he’d done it, why he’d had to do it.

“Hey, Carter, how’re ya doin’?”

“I’m fine, Sir. A bit tired, but I’m okay.”

“Memory still intact?”

“I think so, sir. Ah!” Sam was struck by a sudden burst of pain. She ground the heel of her hand against her left eye trying to force back the searing agony.

“Carter?”

“I’m okay. I’m okay. It’s just a headache.”

“Dr. Fraiser!” Jack called to the doctor, who was at the other end of the infirmary busy examining someone’s notes. “Doc, do something.”

Dr. Fraiser hurried across to Sam’s bedside. “We’re doing all we can, Colonel. Sam will probably have recurring headaches for a while. She’s been through quite an ordeal.” She touched Sam’s hand. “Are you alright? Do you want something for the pain?”

“No, it’s going. I’ll be fine, thank you, Janet.”

As the doctor walked away, Jack glanced up at the security cameras. Damn them! He desperately wanted to take Sam in his arms, to say he was sorry, to make things right. He couldn’t bear to see her like this. He didn’t know what to do. The impulse to hold her was so strong that he knew he couldn’t stay around any longer.

“Look,” he said, “I…I gotta go.”

“Sir?”

Jack winced. Always ‘Sir’, never ‘Jack’. It was yet another reminder of how his hands were tied.

Sam gave Jack a puzzled look. Why was he leaving when he’d only just got there? There was so much to talk about. She didn’t want him to go. She loved this man, with his gruff personality, his sense of humour, his irreverence, the tough persona he adopted in order to hide his real self from the world. He made her smile every time he opened his mouth. Sometimes, round the meeting table, he made it hard for her not to fall apart laughing. Hell, it made her smile just to think about him.

But, before she could ask him why he had to go, he was already gone.

Outside, in the corridor, Jack came to a halt. Damn it! This just wasn’t fair. He slammed his fist into the wall. “Ouch!” He shook off the pain. “Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!” He glanced up at the security camera in the corridor, hoping no one had been watching, and sucked on his bruised knuckles.

When Daniel Jackson called in to see Sam the next day, he found her distracted. He was in the middle of a description of his latest bit of archaeological research when he realised she wasn’t listening.

“You okay? he asked. Sam usually took a keen interest in his work, but today she was definitely somewhere else.

“Daniel, have you seen the colonel?”

“He’s around. Ermm…he hasn’t been to see you?”

“Not since right after they put me in here.”

“That’s not like him.”

“I know.” Sam tried to hide the hurt she was feeling. Why hadn’t Jack been to see her? She felt lost without him. Lying in bed with so little to do – she couldn’t even read because it pained her eyes - she’d found herself mulling over their relationship, trying to work out at which point their friendship had become something much stronger. Right now, though, it didn’t seem so strong. Where was Jack?

“Hmmm. I’ll go find him if you like.” Faithful Daniel. She could always trust him to take care of her.

“No, Daniel! It’s okay. The colonel knows where I am.” Sam stared off into the distance fighting back the tears that had been threatening all day.

“I’ve tired you,” Daniel said.

“A little. I could do with some sleep. Do you mind?”

“Sure. I’ll err…I’ll go and…hey…I’ll tell Jack you were asking after him.”

”No, please! It doesn’t matter. He’s probably just busy.”

“You sure?”

“I’m sure.”

“Okay. Bye then.”

“Bye, Daniel.”

Sam turned away from the security cameras. Burying her face in the pillow, she let the tears start to fall.

The next morning Daniel bumped into Jack outside the canteen.

“Sorry, Jack.”

“Daniel, do you have to walk and read at the same time?”

“Hmmm. What?”

“Nothing. Never mind.”

Daniel was three strides down the corridor before something struck him. He turned.

“Oh, Jack!”

“Daniel?”

“Errm…Sam?”

“Yeah, what about her?”

“She asked me not to say anything, but she was sort of wondering why you hadn’t been to see her.”

“I’ve bin kinda busy.”

“Hmmm…okay.” Daniel found Jack’s answer a little lame, but he wasn’t ready to challenge him right now. Maybe Jack felt guilty about zapping Sam, but somehow that didn’t seem to fit the picture.

“Anything else, Daniel?”

“No. No. I think that’s it.”

“Okay. See ya.”

“Right.”

Jack’s tone had been dismissive. Clutching his precious notes to his chest with one hand and adjusting his glasses with the other, Daniel gladly turned away from Jack’s obviously foul mood.

“Right,” he repeated, musingly, as he made his way down the corridor.

Watching Daniel disappear round the corner, Jack absently rubbed the back of his neck. Finally, the decision facing him resolved, he strode off towards the infirmary.

Sam’s bed was empty.

“Fraiser! Dr. Fraiser?!” Jack looked around in panic.

“I’m here, Colonel.” The doctor appeared from out of her office.

“Where’s Sam? Major Carter? Where is she? What’s happened to her?”

“It’s okay, Colonel. We sent her home. She just needs a few days rest. Home’s a good a place as any for her right now.”

Jack let his fears subside.

“She be okay on her own?”

“She’ll be fine, Colonel. It’s what she wanted.”

Jack was supposed to be on standby duty at the station for the next few days. By ten o’clock that night he’d decided that he definitely had to see Sam and damn the consequences. How could he not have been to see her before, just because it hurt him to stand around helplessly while she was in pain? Just because he wanted to pick her up and take her away from there, somewhere where no one could see how much he really cared about her, where he could let her know how glad he was to have her back.

Well, she was in just such a place right now.

An hour later he pulled up outside Sam’s house. He’d bluffed his way off the base and driven at breakneck speed, not really caring about anything except seeing her.

Sam opened the door in her pyjamas.

“Colonel?” There was genuine surprise in her voice. “Shouldn’t you be at the base?”

“Yeah…You always answer the door in your…err..?”

“Oh, no…I was asleep. I guess I’m not really thinking straight.”

“Going to invite me in?”

“Oh, sure. Sorry.” Sam opened the door wider to let Jack inside, and then closed it behind him.

Jack stood inside the doorway, nervously winding his hat in his hands. Now he was here, he really didn’t know what to say. Embarrassed at being caught in her pyjamas, Sam grabbed a bathrobe off the sofa and slipped it over her shoulders.

“Nice.” Jack gestured towards Sam’s attire. He tried not to stare.

“Colonel..?”

“Jack. The name’s Jack. You know that.”

“Okay…Jack. Why’re you here?”

“I…err…I…” Sudden tears welled into Jack’s eyes. “Oh god, Sam! I thought I’d killed you. I thought you were dead.”

The force of the emotions he’d kept bottled up ever since Sam had been taken over by the alien entity swept to the surface. He was on the

verge of collapse when Sam crossed the distance between them to wrap him in her arms.

“Don’t, Jack. Please. Don’t.”

He buried his face against her neck and hugged her so tightly she could barely draw breath.

“I thought I’d lost you. I thought you were gone.”

“I’m here, Jack. It’s okay. It’s okay.”

Sam held Jack in her arms, allowing him to cry. She wanted to join him, but, right now, she knew she had to be strong. She stroked his hair, mentally kicking herself for not having seen that, all this time, Jack had been hurting too. How could she not have known?

Eventually Jack sobbed himself out. He took a deep breath, fighting for calm. He withdrew from Sam’s shoulder, and rested his forehead against hers.

“I’ve made a fool of myself, haven’t I?”

“No, you haven’t. It’s been hard for both of us, Jack.”

Jack broke the embrace and wiped the tears from his face. For several seconds they looked at each other without touching. They both wanted the same thing. It would only take one of them to break, to give in to the feelings they’d held repressed for so long. But they were both military, they loved their jobs. Jack had already compromised his position by going AWOL. They knew what would happen if command found out that their relationship went way beyond platonic. Even unexpressed, their feelings for each other threatened the integrity of SG-1.

“Look, I…errm. I better go.”

Sam gave Jack a wry smile that said, yes, you should go, no, I don’t want you to. Jack didn’t give her time to frame an answer, but turned abruptly and left.

Sam stared at the closed door, stunned by the speed of Jack’s departure. They couldn’t leave it this like. She couldn’t just let him go. She dashed outside, oblivious to the cold ground beneath her bare feet, the fact that she only had on her pyjamas.

“Jack! Jack!”

Jack was about to get in the car. He turned and waited for Sam to reach him. For a moment an invisible barrier held them apart. They stared into each others eyes, both thinking of that moment back on the Goa’uld ship, when they’d gazed at each other across the force shield, so desperate, so unable to touch. As then, the longing, the love, the need that was reflected in their eyes begged for release.

Jack reached out and touched Sam’s face. Gently, very gently, he stroked her cheek. Then he leaned forward and kissed her, his kiss so tender that Sam thought she must surely melt away. She reached up and buried her hands in his hair. He put his arms around her and pulled her close. They kissed tenderly and deeply, tasting each other for the first time, tasting each other for a very long time. Then they simply held each other, enjoying the warmth and closeness of their bodies, savouring this longed for moment.

“So,” Jack was the first to break the stasis, “What do we do now?”

“You mean you don’t know?” Sam grinned against Jack’s shoulder.

“Yeah! I know that. I mean, do we do it?”

Sam pulled away and looked at Jack. He was right. The military barrier was still there. Jack was still AWOL. He ought to get back to the base. There was always a chance he hadn’t yet been missed.

“Oh, Jack!”

“I guess that means we don’t do it, right?” Jack screwed up his face, as he always did when confronted by an unwelcome truth.

Sam didn’t know what to do. She could seduce him, take his hand and lead him back into the house. They could spend the night making love – a jolt, like a deep electric shock cursed through her body at the thought – but what about tomorrow? What about their careers?

“Oh, crap!” Jack muttered, realising that the decision had already been made. He scuffed the ground with his toe, then suddenly became aware that Sam was out there in the cold in her nightwear, with nothing on her feet.

“You must be freezing. Go back inside.”

Sam’s face betrayed the pain of their decision. She wanted him to pick her up and carry her into the house. She wanted his body, his warmth, all of him, now, forever. And she knew he wanted it too. Why did they both have to be so strong? Once again, she fought back tears.

“Go on. I’ll call you tomorrow, let you know if I still have a job.”

Reluctantly, Sam turned away. Suddenly she felt very cold. She looked back only once before entering the house. Jack lifted the fingers of one hand, the best goodbye he could give her right now considering he was that close to going after her. He stood for a moment after she’d gone, fighting a desperate need to give in to his feelings, to his desire to make love to this woman who had so captured his heart. Instead, he got in the car and headed back towards Cheyenne base. Something told him that they couldn’t go on like this for much longer. One day, he thought, one day…

The End