Plotless Wonder

By UndyingWisdom*Snake-Head

Email Author: kateiscool89@hotmail.com

Summary: A bit of fun. Not hilarious or anything, but an amusing story, and I had fun writing it. Thor is after one of SG-1.

Season: 2 onwards

Rating: PG

Disclaimer: I don’t own anything to do with Stargate or anything else I might list here as I go. Jeep, the club (I made it up, I own the idea of it), Smurfs, Guinness, the game Truth or Dare (whoever the hell invented it), the Simpsons (that was predictable!).

Authors Notes: This was pretty cool to write. And I’ve been adding to it for ages! So it’s kinda thrown together. But I have reread it a lot so it’s not completely stupid. ~~snigger~~

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SG-1 and Major General Hammond of the SGC were sitting around a briefing room table, staring at each other in awe at the news just delivered. Thor had dropped by unannounced, as he does, with the exclamation that one member of SG-1 was to accompany him to one of his transport vessels that was currently orbiting a planet in a nearby solar system.

“It is a perfectly harmless and safe mission to be undergoing,” he assured the team.

When asked what this ‘mission’ involved exactly he gave no clues, except that it had to do with the saving of his people. All he had to say to the questioning was to ‘trust in him and his people’s power’.

Daniel was all for it, and Hammond too, after some consideration.

“I’m sorry Thor,” objected the Colonel, “I know that I can trust you, but I am still hesitant in trusting an entire race that looks like they are the long lost descendants of the smurfs.”

Carter gave a stifled laugh but all-round laughter broke out from the following conversation.

“The Asguard have not, as you suggest, evolved from this race of ‘smurfs’ O’Neill. Tell me, what exactly are the similarities?”

“Well, you’re both, uh, you’re both kinda blue-ish greyish in colour, uh, you’re little guys who are unknown to the general population and uh… Three apples tall?”

Just before Thor left, he had taken O’Neill aside and said quietly in his ear “You must explain to me these Smurf creatures sometime O’Neill”

Thor stood in confusion for a short moment until Hammond ordered silence.

“How long will my person be gone for?” asked the General.

“Oh, no longer than one Earth week,” came the reply.

“And when will this person leave, Thor?”

“When the tests are over,” he answered, but then, on seeing the members’ faces, he added, “Oh no, not medical tests, merely activities for me to observe.”

“And who will it be?” Hammond questioned, still with some doubt in his mind.

“The examinations will tell.”

That’s when the fun started. There were to be three tests, how cliché. The first, SG-1 were simply given three days off duty, but had to visit a bar (pub), a club, and a deserted shopping centre. Thor’s apologies for the inconvenience were shrugged off by Hammond, the base was usually quiet this time of year. Amongst confusion the mission commenced.

So the team dressed up and piled into Jack’s open-top Wrangler Sport. However, they drove only as far as the base, because none of them was to be the designated driver, and picked up a nice dark blue chauffeured stretch limo, complete with plenty of sun roofs.

It was straight to the pub and although Teal’c quite liked his first taste of the exquisite flavours of Guinness and could have easily gone on a 12-hour bender, there was only an hour-long piss up.

“I’ll take ya back there one day buddy,” muttered a tipsy O’Neill to a sulking Jaffa as they left.

They were at the city’s most reputed club by 8:10. The blue and orange exterior was somewhat classy as well as wicked and invoked Sam to discard her jacket to O’Neill, who watched in fascination as the young lady strode forth, mesmerized and confident. The three who had hung back followed her in. They were thoroughly checked for drugs and weapons and passed by the bouncers, down through an electric orange hall, in which the walls were full of equally electric blue framed mirrors, and whose silver tiled floor was lined with men and women of every kind. Some men were checking out Sam but the women were admiring the SG-guys, mostly Teal’c. The few guys who dared stand in front of Sam to take a shot were ignored and brushed past, as were the freelance hands wandering over the men behind the major, in V formation, Teal’c at the back. The diamond group halted and shaped a horizontal line facing the triple DJ-ed dance floor. The ground pulsed beneath their feet.

They hadn’t been standing there 15 seconds when a man rushed up to Sam, reeking of bitter alcohol, and pushed himself against her, muttering a few lame lines in her ear. She barely beat her comrades in kicking the back of the creep’s left knee and slamming him against the wall. Three black-clad security guards fluently grabbed him and carried him out. Another, formally dressed man immediately apologised and explained that that sort of incident was rare, and the creep was currently in holding, should she wish to press charges. The Major said no and the man handed them each an all-night voucher to VIP and bar.

“We can leave now if you want Sam,” said Daniel after the man left, Jack vigorously nodding his head in support behind him.

“No… No, you guys are gonna get yours by the looks of these ladies,” she answered motioning towards a cluster of girls to her right, “And anyway, did you see that?! This club is strictly clean and professional.”

With that said Jack hit the dance floor with his share of the swamp of ladies, but not before visiting the bar for 20 seconds. Teal’c, too, was hailed upon, and was literally swept away by the girls (A/N: Come on, have you ever known Teal’c to be emotionally swept away?) His first chance at clubbing and no one even noticed the golden symbol that was once beneath his lost hat, and those few who did thought it was heaps cool. Sam and Daniel hung around together for a bit, both a bit shy on the scene, but by no means unfamiliar. They saw their VIP booth and lounged for a bit, and danced a bit, drunk a bit, but were eventually claimed by their respective opposite genders.

Perhaps by chance, the team met in the booth no less than three and a half hours later. Daniel was the last to arrive to the chattering bunch, with brunette triplets in his arms.

Jack wolf whistled. “Hey Danny! Very impressive. I’ll swap ya one?” His giggling girls scowled.

Daniel grinned. “No can do Jack, old pal.”

“Oh come on. You got three that all look the same. How boring’s that gonna get!?”

“I’ll guess we’ll find out. Not like anyone said we had to do these three things in one night, we got three days off! It should not be wasted!”

“Yeah, but we probably will do it all tonight. Then we got a day to sleep and throw up and take painkillers, and a day to do basically the same thing, only less of it,” commented Carter.

“I’m not even tired yet though. I say we keep going for a bit,” suggested Daniel.

“Indeed I agree with Daniel Jackson on this,” Teal’c deep voice and way of speaking was met with giggles and ooh-s. In reaction, he raised an eyebrow.

“OK then guys. No-one gave us a curfew.”

“Aw Jack. You sure it’s not going to get too much for your creaky old bones?” teased Major Carter.

O’Neill scowled. “Not that old Major, you should know. There’s only one bone that matters,” he muttered. Being nearest to the man, Daniel was the only team mate who heard this comment, and his eyebrows flew up. He nudged the Colonel teasingly. The look he got in return was none other than a wink and a cheeky grin.

On parting words Carter directed at her good friends, “First names k? These boys,” she squeezed the two sexy men closer, “didn’t know I was military until then, and I’m sure as hell gonna cop it later.”

Liquid purple was hinting the skies with the threat of dawn by the time the team piled into the limo once more, at 3am. Their new ‘friends’ missed out on a night with their chosen one, but pockets were stuffed with napkins and coasters scribed with phone numbers. It was a good thing they had a driver, as all of them were throbbing with drunkedness.

The driver knew where he was going too, also good, because the SG-team had forgotten all about the test and the shopping centre, or else it was forced from their minds by the overwhelming music beat out by the talented multiple DJs.

Heads being in the winds above the limo, more drinks (less alcoholic) and much water being splashed on faces was involved in the trip to the mall. No one ever again mentioned the little game of truth or dare, which included tentative making out (not just Sam).

“So what the hell are we s’posed to do at a closed-for-the-night shopping mall?” slurred O’Neill.

“How am I meant to know?” retorted an equally out-of-it Jackson.

“Well, you generally know just about anything and everything,” dripped O’Neill.

“We could break in,” commented Jackson.

“Well, I think that was the idea already!” snapped O’Neill sarcastically.

“Just sayin’,” defended Jackson.

“Well, what were we gonna do, stand around outside, waiting for Thor?” continued O’Neill.

“Hey! Boys!” Carter broke up the argument, “So far we’ve gotten nowhere, except for finding out that you are both aggressive drunks,” she rolled her eyes in Teal’c direction, who bowed his head in agreement. The two friends shut their hanging jaws and sat sulking in silence.

“So’s this the third test?” asked Jack.

“I believe it isn’t, this is in fact the third part of the third part of the first test,” answered Teal’c.

“Aah.”

“Hey Teal’c, you just said ‘isn’t’,” said Daniel.

“…So?” muttered Carter, her head on Doctor Jackson’s shoulder.

“As in, instead of ‘is not’?” Daniel looked at Sam with his head at an awkward angle.

“Oh,” Sam lifted her head.

“I didn’t,” ‘Ha!’ said Daniel, “You are just unable to distinguish between the words in your current state Doctor Jackson,” Teal’c said.

“Or you are unable to make the distinction,” Daniel muttered back. Sam’s head dropped onto his shoulder again.

“Oh come on Daniel, you’re drunk, can you just not think for a bit?” cried the Colonel.

“Well I’m sorry if the workings of my brain annoy you Jack,” Daniel said sarcastically.

“Yeah, thanks, it annoys the shit outta me!”

“Guys!” Sam was awake again.

Again they sat in silence.

“So how long does it take to get to this place anyways?” Daniel broke the stillness after a few minutes but no one answered, he didn’t really expect or want one anyway.

O’Neill, unaware of the conversation since he left it, cried out, “We’re here! …I think… I can’t really tell if the car’s stopped or not.”

At that moment his side door flew open, revealing a group of understanding amused smiles, the driver standing outside.

“Sirs, ma’am, I’ll be leaving now. Thor will be meeting you here when you’re finished,” he said.

“Thank-you… Sergeant,” said Sam, glancing at his uniform, as she climbed out after the others.

“What kind of a code-name is that anyway,” the driver asked Carter.

“Thor?”

He nodded.

Sam smiled and shook her head and the driver climbed back in the limo.

“Finished doing what!?” cried O’Neill as the car sped off.

“I dunno, maybe inspiration will hit us,” commented Daniel.

“I hope not, I remember the last time that happened, and it hurt,” replied the Major.

(A/N: I don’t remember, but there would have to be sometime, I mean, come on, this is SG-1 we’re talking about!)

After the neat breaking of glass and Jack’s smooth mental transition into a 15 year old, the team were in and running around. They split up, each as excited as each other.

O’Neill ran up the stairs to the second story. “Imagine how much fun you could have with a Stargate in here!” he shouted to his companions below.

“No!” cried Sam, hugging a candy machine ahead of her CO’s arms, which were motioning in semi-circles to either side of him, “The wave would destroy my chocolate!”

“And my caffeine,” said Daniel who was standing beneath the canvas roof of a small open coffee hut in the middle of the room.

Jack was running out of sight towards the back of the building and he called out, “Wonder why the alarms didn’t go off?”

“Thor, probably,” cried Daniel as he raced up the immobile escalators after the older man.

“Yeah, zapped ‘em up. Or the government,” said Sam, rushing up the down escalator.

“What, Thor zapped up the government?” Daniel joked.

Sam wasn’t going to answer but Teal’c looked slightly confused. “I meant the government looked after the alarms problem for us Teal’c.”

The broad Jaffa nodded and called ahead, “What about the repercussions O’Neill?” He was close on the heels of the Major.

“Oh, I wouldn’t worry about that. We have friends in high places, like, three galaxies away. And anyway, under the circumstances, I’m sure the government will hush it up. Just go have fun and smash things up,” yelled O’Neill back to them.

“Whoa,” O’Neill’s voice was barely audible when he screeched to a halt in front of his destination, a giant toyshop, taking up the whole back end of the building. He ran to the door and smashed it in.

O’Neill instantly caught sight of a huge keyboard on the ground.

“Hey! I saw this on The Simpsons once!” he said and he stomped on it. His face was crestfallen like that of a five-year-old child denied ice cream, when the massive device failed to make a sound.

“Uh, Colonel,” Sam held up a cord which she then plugged into the adaptor board. A blaring noise came from the keyboard and Jack’s face lit up boyishly, making Sam smile, as he started figuring out the tune to The Simpsons.

The three left him there while they went to the far end of the shop, put on the American Pie 2 soundtrack, and commenced to show Teal’c how to play basketball. This activity only lasted about three minutes however, when Daniel uncovered a stack of vinyls in storage and half-a-dozen turntables.

The toyshop alone was inhabited by the grown adults for just over an hour. It was only when the sounds of the gigantic keyboard had ceased that Teal’c left to explore the remaining mall. Where O’Neill went was uncertain, although there would be excellent odds to bet her stayed in the toyshop. Twenty minutes after Teal’c had gone, Sam and Daniel also left. He checked his watch, it read 4:20am. All of a sudden Sam jogged off to their left and Daniel chased after her, squirting the oversized water pistols as they went. They ran into a baby shop inside of which was a huge tub of multicoloured plastic balls. She rolled it outside and climbed the grid-bound side into it.

“Come on in Daniel, the balls are fine,” she blushed at what she had just said.

Nevertheless, her friend dropped himself down beside her. It was after ten minutes of absolute non-sexual fun that Sam clambered out and slid down the hall, calling for him to stay in there. He quite happily submerged himself in the plastic, mesmerized by the brilliant colours until he felt Sam re-enter the tub. He pushed up from the clear plastic bottom only to be assaulted by soft black silk.

O’Neill checked his watch on exiting the toyshop. 4:57am. He sighed and called out for Teal’c and Carter. He had no doubt that Daniel would find them, it’s what he does. He descended the stairs and was met by the solid frame of his Jaffa friend.

“So what did you get up to T?” inquired Jack, pouring himself an espresso.

“Upon exiting the child’s store I explored the building thoroughly, and then occupied myself most enjoyingly within a cafeteria, from which I have just come, for a short time, before venturing into an electronics store O’Neill.”

His human friend nodded. “Uh huh,” he said sipping from the mug.

“What did you find yourself doing O’Neill?”

“Oh, well, you know… Toys and … toys. You know that place has the biggest collection of PS2 games I’ve ever seen?”

Teal’c shook his head.

“Neither did I,” said the Colonel.

There was a pressing silence before O’Neill had an outburst, “Oh! And reeking havoc! Yeah, that too…” before he trailed off again.

Sam and Daniel came bounding down the escalators at that exact moment but stumbled when they found the ground had prematurely levelled out in the form of the floor of an Asguard ship. Thor approached them.

“Hey Thor!” exclaimed Jack.

“Greetings O’Neill. I have little time. I am a very busy being. I will simply inform you of some details, and send you back to your quarters at the SGC base.”

“Inform away,” said O’Neill lightly, ignoring the sideways look he was shot by his 2IC.

“I will O’Neill. First you must understand that you have just undergone two exams, not one as you were led to believe.”

“What?” yelped Carter.

“Yes,” the little man carried on, “One was on a physical scale, the other on an emotional scale. It would e fruitless for you to do the same things twice.”

“Oh, well I hope it was fruity like a smoothie for ya buddy,” Jack dripped sarcastically.

“Hmm,” Thor analysed what had just been said, “Only the one I chose will partake in the third examination.” Eyebrows went up. “The decision was very close between Doctor Jackson and the Jaffa, Teal’c.” Sam and Jack were surprised, although they weren’t sure why. “I eventually decided upon Doctor Jackson.” Eyebrows went further up, on all accounts. “I will now return you to your sleeping quarters.” Eyebrows went down. “But first-” Thor swept his arm and anything that may or may not have been stuffed into pockets (The Simpsons figurines, jewellery, coffee…) flew out and dissolved into golden shadow before they hit the floor.

The same was in store for the teammates and it was only when they were back on Earth did they feel the fatigue that was previously eluding them all. They did sleep, for nearly 15 hours in fact, before resting for another three, disturbed by rolling stomaches and sticky throats.

“No, seriously, a lie detector?”

It was early afternoon at the SGC in one of those deserted rooms that everyone knows but no one knows the name of. Jack was exclaiming everything with raised brows and swinging hands in front of Thor.

“It is not,” replied the small alien calmly.

“Well it looks like a lie detector and it,” the CO leant in to sniff the machine, “and it smells like a lie detector.”

“Actually Sir, it looks nothing like any polygraph machine we have on Earth,” intervened Carter, failing to contradict the smell part.

“I am well aware of that Carter,” O’Neill shot her a lethal look, “As I was saying, it must be a lie detector.

“It is not.”

O’Neill sighed, “Yeah I got that. What is it then?”

“It is a device the Asguard use to determine theories by observing muscle movements and unusual fluctuations of a living body.”

O’Neill chanced a glance at Carter, who’s face looked like what he was thinking.

“A lie detector.”

(A/N: I have near to no idea how lie detectors work, so please forgive if you do. Have any idea that is. So I took a guess based on what little I do know. If you can help with the general idea, please do.)

Daniel shifted uncomfortably on the silver narrow-backed bench.

Teal’c caught the movement from the corner of his eye. He turned to his comrade and nodded reassuringly.

“Do not worry Daniel Jackson. It is a harmless process. The Asguard enjoy pain for friendly information no more than the Tok’ra, or the Tau’ri.”

“Thanks Teal’c.”

Daniel relaxed a little in the chair. CMO Janet Fraiser walked into the room carrying a large amount of technical equipment and was followed by two men, one pushing a trolley with some sort of cardial machine on it, one carrying folders and wires. Only one thing would be in Daniel, however.

“Just a precaution,” she said to Thor,” To follow Dr. Jackson’s vital signs.”

Thor was going to say something but General Hammond cut him off.

“We’ve never used Asguard tools like this before Thor. It’s like Dr. Fraiser says, we have to make sure Dr. Jackson is completely healthy. As much as we trust you’re race, and you in particular, we just don’t know how this procedure will affect Dr. Jackson.”

Thor expressed his understanding, “Of course,” he said, lowering a gracious arm.

He walked over to Daniel and asked him to close his eyes, explaining that throughout the process he would be unable to open them. Although Daniel was uneasy about having no sight for 20 minutes he complied and Thor backed off.

The bench Daniel was seated on was about two meters long, but only with a back where the sectioned-off seat was. It looked a lot more uncomfortable than most Asguard technology they had seen, excluding, of course, torture equipment. To Daniel’s left there was nearly a meter of glyphs carved onto the metallic surface. To his immediate right there was a panel, covered with various switches, levers and buttons. Further along was a 45 centimetre square raised frame, in which a dark opal-esque sphere sat.

It was towards this that Thor moved. He placed the palm of his hand on the top of it and it began revolving horizontally. Thor slid his hand down to the side nearest to him, then left, diagonally up to the right, and back to the top.

“If anyone tried to activate this device but didn’t know the exact distances, angles and direction to move his hand, nothing would happen. Certain devices however, activate an Asguard ship’s or an Asguard facility’s security alarms.”

Carter nodded and continued watching intently.

Thor swiftly flipped a few switched before he walked back to the orb and performing another complex code. He then lifted the orb out and walked over to the military officers.

He silently touched the small sphere gently with one finger and instantly a light golden glow shimmered around Daniel Jackson’s head.

“We can start now,” said Thor.

General Hammond nodded and waved for the alien to continue.

The grey being looked at Daniel, “You are Doctor Daniel Jackson, a civilian working in the United States Air Force as an archaeologist and linguist for the Stargate program. Are you not?” Thor began his questioning.

Daniel’s eyelids twitched but they remained closed.

“I am,” he voiced.

Jack exhaled right behind Sam, making her jump slightly.

“That’s a big question. I wonder if I could squeeze in a question about that Captain on SG-5 he’s had his eye on.”

Carter shook her head smiling at the comment. Then she turned to the Colonel and said quietly, “It’s not the Captain in SG-5, it’s the Med officer in SG-12.”

Jack jerked. “What! How do you-?”

But Sam had already turned back around, grinning to herself.

Daniel entered the briefing room almost 45 minutes later, amongst lively chatter and coffee and Jell-O. Teal’c fell silent mid-way through answering a question on Hammond’s and looked up at Daniel.

“Dr. Jackson! It’s nice to have to back,” the General welcomed him in.

Daniel somewhat stumbled in and sat down.

“They didn’t work you too hard did they Danny-boy?” Jack asked.

SG-1 and Hammond had left the room barely 20 minutes after the ‘interrogation’ began. Either it was too boring or too weird for them. Or, in Sam’s case, too Jell-O-less. The whole thing was standard fact-corroborating questions with the odd odd one thrown in to the mix, like what’s your favourite colour? What’s your ideal first date? And, if you were a Jell-O, what flavour would you be?

“No, I’m just disorientated, thanks Jack,” he replied.

The Colonel and Carter shared a secret wink.

“Who do you like, the MO in SG-12 or the Captain in SG-5?” Sam randomly threw at him.

Jack smiled, approving of her ability to take advantage of his temporary habit to tell the truth.

“The Captain,” Daniel answered automatically.

Jack smirked at Carter, who was staring at Daniel dumbfounded, who by then had caught on to what he had just said.

“Hold on! That wasn’t fair! Jack-” he spluttered.

“You told me it was the MO!” Sam said to Daniel.

Daniel answered with a small shrug.

“Daniel Jackson,” Teal’c spoke to his friend, “You seem to be weary. Should you not rest for our meeting tomorrow with Thor?”

“I agree,” said Hammond, “Dr. Jackson, as of now you are off-duty. I suggest you take some time in your quarters.”

Daniel nodded and stood to leave. He, of course, was planning on using the time to study recently recovered artefacts.

“Rest Daniel, not work,” Jack grinned at him.

“Teal’c,” Hammond said to the Jaffa as Daniel left, “You can also take some time,” Teal’c bowed his head and exited.

O’Neill and Carter looked at General Hammond expectantly.

“Colonel you are technically off-duty but I would suggest you write up that report you owe me?”

“Yes Sir.”

“Major, I believe you wanted to take a look at the Gate computers?”

“Yes, Sir.”

“Very well, but I’m afraid I must restrict you to 40 minutes, SG-11 is due back soon.”

Carter nodded and left with the Colonel as Hammond made his way back into his office.

Dr. Jackson was making his way to the briefing room early the next morning when he heard laughter nearby. He slowed down to check it out and he heard Jack telling Sam something down the next corridor, but he couldn’t make out what it was. Heavy footstep came to them from the other direction as Teal’c joined them. He wasn’t sure what stopped him from turning the corner but Daniel stood in place.

“O’Neill,” was all he heard from Teal’c.

He couldn’t be sure, but he was pretty certain that the laughter was only coming from Jack. Which means it couldn’t be good. He had to make himself known, although he had a horrible feeling this had something to do with him. At least, he thought, if he found out now, it may stop some painfully funny practical joke occurring later on.

He resumed his previous speed and nearly collided with Jack. There they were, he had been correct. He had only to wonder, and ask, why they weren’t in the briefing room.

Jack turned to him and slapped him on the shoulder, a tear running down the left side if his face.

“What’s so funny Jack?” he asked.

“Oh, Danny, Thor’s just been to see George you see..”

Sam turned to him smiling, even Teal’c came as close as he could be to cracking a grin.

“So that’s why you’re not in the briefing room.”

“Yah huh. Ah Danny-boy, a breeding programme!” he collapsed on him once more for the loss of ability to remain upright from laughter.

“A breeding programme!” he yelped once more.

Daniel felt himself sliding down to the wall into blackness as he heard Sam assure him, “With your co-operation, of course.”

A/N: So, I’ve finished! What do you think? I’ve worked in this for SO long, I just came back to it now and thought where I was up to (But Sam had already turned back around, grinning to herself.) was a good place to begin the end. *sigh* What to do now. Well, I could always work on one of my never-to-be finished chapter stories.. Now that’s a thought… LOL, have fun!!