Reflections

By Scully

E-mail Author: scully30.miller@virgin.net

Summary: Sam has to face a difficult time in her life.

Spoilers: Secrets and The Tok’Ra

Category: Angst

Rating: G

Disclaimer: It aint mine...there’s a shocker.

Authors Comments

Some of you may know that my Dad died of cancer recently, which is why I haven’t written in a while. I’d like to take this time to thank everyone who has been so supportive in getting me back into the saddle again. Big thanks to Beth for Betaing this for me. As always, you know how much I love feedback, the good, the bad and the ugly.

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My heart sinks as he leaves the room. I’m numb from head to toe, desperate to talk, and what does he do? He walks away.

Cancer.

That one word fills me with dread from the bottom of my stomach. My dad has just told me he has cancer, and he said the word with such nonchalance…how could he just drop that bombshell on me and walk away? I don’t understand. I’ve got so many questions, and I’m alone. Who can I turn to?

As I stare out of the window I watch him walk away down the steps, he looks up briefly and his gaze meets mine…but only for an instant, then he turns his back on me once more.

Does he hate me that much? Am I such a disappointment to him, because I chose to live my life the way I see fit? I hate the fact that each time we meet, we argue. Every time I voice my opinions, my whole validation of who I am is shot down in flames. Does he think so little of me? Then I feel guilty. I hate feeling this way. It annoys me that he can belittle me like that; make me feel as if I’m not capable of making my own decisions. Then I step back and take a look at what’s happening to him, and wonder if by making him happy, could he end his life being proud of me.

I wonder when I’ll see him next. Will I even get the chance to speak to him again? He doesn’t want me to call or worry…how can I not? He’s my father. I don’t even know how much time he’s got left. I just want him for once to stop being a General, the brave little soldier and to stop treating me as if I’m still a child. He’s cared for me all these years, how can he not understand that for once, I want to be there for him. I think back to all the quarrel’s we’ve had over the years, and wish I could take them back, but I can't. It's the past and I can't change that, I can only go forward. I’ve already lost my mom, and the thought that I might lose my dad too, has hit me like a thunderbolt. For the first time in my life, I feel lost, alone, and frightened. All I want is for dad to hold me in his arms as he did when I was younger, and tell me that everything will be okay. But I know now that, that will never happen.

The flight home was the long and arduous type. My thoughts kept replaying themselves over and over again. The Colonel knew something was wrong, how could he not? I can’t tell him though, if I do, I know I’d break down and cry, and us Carter’s don’t do that. It’s like a built in mechanism, when faced with adversary, you hit it head on, you don’t falter or show weakness, that’s not the way it’s done in our family. We all pretend on the outside that everything’s okay, and that no matter what life throws at us, we can handle it. But *this*…this isn’t some enemy you can fight with a battle plan, this is his own body attacking him from the inside, out. How do you deal with a silent enemy?

I cry silently on the inside, a Carter must always maintain that brave face after all.

***

It’s only been a couple of weeks since he told me. Even now, he keeps evading my calls, and it’s purely by chance that I manage to speak to him. He tells me that he’s now living near the base, and that I’m not to worry.

Still…he tells me nothing.

Sometimes I don’t even feel as if he acknowledges my feelings, either that, or he really is okay. My instincts tell me otherwise. I can’t explain how I know, just that I do. I know he’s dying; he doesn’t need to tell me. General Hammond confirmed my suspicions today just before I headed off world. I’m scared. For the first time in my life I’m leaving someone I care about behind, and wondering if he’ll still be here when I get home. If my worst fears come true, will he ever know what he meant to me? The answer is, I don’t know.

***

As soon as I saw SG3 sent by General Hammond I knew my father was dying. My mind was bombarded with all the things I wanted to say, things I regretted in my life. I wanted him to be proud of me. Being here, held hostage so to speak, gave me time to think about all the things I should’ve said. Every bad word that came out of my mouth, I wanted to take back. At that point in time, I would have done anything, said anything to be with my father, to make amends before it was too late.

I’m fortunate…if you could call it that. I’ve got a chance to speak with Dad. Everything I’ve harboured over the last few years, I’ve still got the opportunity to say. As I walk down the pristine hospital hallways, the smell of antiseptic is bitter in the back of my throat. I feel as if I could throw up any second. It seems like such a long time since I’ve seen him. General Hammond already warned me what to expect. But nothing anyone said could have prepared me for what I saw.

My dad’s always been so full of life and vibrancy, his stoic stance always reminded me of what a proud man he was. I see him lying there, and ask myself, why him? He looks so pale and lifeless, his body as fragile as a china doll. I'm scared to touch him, to hold him. All I want to do is take his pain away, but I can't...I can't fix this.

I reach out to touch him, to comfort him, but I don't. I can feel something inside me hesitating...why? A little voice creeps up into my subconscious reminding me that, that's not the way us Carter's behave.

I have to be strong. I have to be the brave one. I want him to know what's in my heart, what I'm thinking and feeling. I want him to be proud of what I've done with my life, and what I've achieved. I want him to be proud of me. But how can I ask him to be honest and open with me, when I can't be honest with him?

I want to break down in front of him, but I don’t.

I ask him to tell me what’s in his heart, when I can’t even tell him what I’ve being doing for the last two years. Maybe now I’ll finally get the chance to see him proud of me? Maybe now he’ll understand how much of an influence he’s been in my life? I want him to know how much I love him, but our family isn’t such that we discuss those feelings. But I know deep down in my heart, that he does.

I now understand why he’s been so hard on me all these years, it’s as if he’s been preparing me for this all my life. Preparing me to be the best that I can be, and to be able to cope alone, if necessary. It’s as if he knew somewhere down the line, he might not be here for me.

***

I look into his frail glassy eyes; a sense of anticipation builds up within me. I’m excited and nervous all at the same time. I’ve no idea how he’s going to react to the news that his little girl goes off world. The words come out hurriedly and I watch him carefully for his reaction. At first its disbelief, but then when general Hammond and I confirm once more that it’s all true, for the first time in my life I see a hint of pride behind his tired eyes. He’s hiding something from me, I can tell. He looks at me longingly as if he has something important to say to me before its too late, but there’s no time for that. I need him to understand the enormity of what we’re telling him, of the choice he needs to make. It’s my last hope of keeping him alive…I have to make it work.

***

I can't believe I'm showing dad this part of my life. I've wanted this for so long. And now that its here; it’s bittersweet. I know he's near the end, I can feel it...deep inside. I hate that I can't do anything to help him. Out of all the things I've been able to fix, why can't I fix this?

I wrap my arms around him. I need to feel him near me. I need to hold him one more time before he’s taken away from me. His body seems so frail, he’s lost so much weight, its like he’s not my dad anymore. The cancer is taking a piece of him away from me, minute by minute, and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. I want to talk to him, tell him how scared I am, but we don't. We just walk in silence.

As we reach the undergrowth of the tunnels, Dad looks around in amazement, his eyes are glazed over, I know he’s tiring. I wonder if he's taking all of this in, and if I'm being fair on him putting him through this.

Before anything can happen, and the Tok'Ra accept Dad as a host, they decide to have a meeting of minds. I know there's a process that has to be done, and they're looking out for their own (as I am with dad), but I just want something done before its too late.

The more I stand here watching them talk to my dad, the more angrier I become. How dare they monopolise his time like this? He's dying, and as selfish as it is, I want him to spend his last moments with me. I don't want to share him with anyone else. I take a few deep breaths to try and calm myself down. To try and rationalise what's happening. Dad needs to do this. He needs to ask questions and be sure that he's making the right decision. It’s unfair of me to think like this, but I can't help it. I know there's no guarantee, only the possibility of hope. I have to remember that there are other people here, and that they're losing someone they care about too, but at the moment, all my thoughts are on Dad, and if he's going to live.

The Tok’Ra have agreed, but they’ve said it’s risky with Dad being so ill. They’re not sure if he’ll survive the blending, and for the first time since we started this journey, I’ve got second…third…and fourth thoughts about Dad doing this. Have I made the right decision bringing him here? I don’t even know if it will be ‘Dad’ anymore, *if* he survives the blending. Deep down, I'm not sure if I'm making the right decision, or if I'm forcing my wishes on Dad, but I feel like I've run out of options. I know if he doesn't go through with the blending, he'll die. The selfish part of me wants him to go through with it, but ultimately its not my decision...it's Dad's.

I close my eyes in quiet contemplation, hoping I’ve made the right choice, and I feel his hand on my shoulder. The Tok’Ra are saying there’s not much time, but Dad tells them he needs to speak to his kid. Me. He hasn’t called me that in years, and I feel like a little girl for just the briefest of moments, and it’s the most wonderful feeling in the world. And then he says the words that I’ve been waiting to hear for a very long time. He loves me, and he’s so proud of what I’ve achieved. I can’t believe it! Dad, the military man who never shares his feelings, told me. It’s as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and then I feel his arms surround me, comforting me, telling me in his own way that everything is going to be ok.

I watch him close his eyes, maybe for the last time, maybe not.  I know that no matter what happens, he'll always be with me.  He's my dad and I'll love him forever.  Not even death can take that away from me.  He'll always be a part of my life.

Finis