__________________________

Jack O’Neill

Its been over a week since I finished that mission which seems to have destroyed my life, and things just aren’t getting any easier. General Hammond’s asked me and the rest of SG-1 to the briefing room, suppose he’s going to send us on a mission or something. I’m not too sure that’s such a great idea at the moment though, coz to be honest my teams looking like they don’t trust me anymore and I don’t know what to do to put things right.

As I walk in all eyes turn on me (that is except for Daniel’s), I give everyone the O’Neill smile and sit down apologizing to Hammond for being late (not a good start Jack).

General Hammond

Unlike O’Neill to be late he’s usually one of the first to arrive. I notice that Daniel didn’t react at all to his arrival that’s not a good sign, look’s like he’s still got bridges to build with that one more than the others.

“SG-1 I know you’ve been on stand down for the last week but I’ve decided that as you’ve all been under a lot of pressure lately that’s its probably a good idea to give you all some leave”

I look around the table to see their reactions. Sam looks a bit shocked and confused, Teal’c well I’m not as good as O’Neill for reading him but he doesn’t seem too upset, O’Neill looks stunned but somewhat relieved and Daniel looks downright happy.

“Well if no-one has any objections I don’t see why you’re leave can’t start as of right now. I’ll expect to see you all back for duty in 2 weeks time”

Sam gets up first, smiles at the rest of SG-1 and then turns to me.

“Thank you Sir, would it be alright if I did some work in my lab I’ve got a couple of experiments I could catch up on”

I should have known she’d ask that, Sam never did know when to let things go.

“Major Carter the whole point of leave is to rest NOT work”

She’s looking a little embarrassed now especially as O’Neill is grinning like a Cheshire cat.

“Yes Sir”

As she passes him he grabs her arm gently and whispers something into her ear. I’m not sure what he said but she’s laughing and in that moment I’m reminded how well they know each other and how O’Neill as her CO and friend knew exactly what to say to make her feel better.

Teal’c gets up next, nods to O’Neill and Daniel then turns to me.

“General Hammond, I would very much like to return to Chulak to be with my family”

“I had expected that request Teal’c and I’ve already instructed the gate room that you will be leaving”

“Thank you General Hammond I will collect my staff weapon and leave immediately”

Again O’Neill grabs the arm of his fellow team mate and they exchange quiet words that only they can hear but its obvious that the bond they have has been unaffected by recent events. Daniel on the other hand doesn’t move or say anything he’s just sitting there in silence, deep in thought and from what I can see, unwilling to share them.

“Dr Jackson is everything alright?”

Daniel seemed surprised that I’d spoken to him in fact he’d actually jumped I must have startled him.

“Oh yes Sir, I’m sorry I was just thinking, did I miss anything?”

“No son I was just worried, you know if you’d like to talk my door’s always open”

Daniel smiled but there was no sparkle in his eyes just regret.

“I know Sir. Thank you but I’m alright, honestly”

He wasn’t convincing me and I think he knew it. O’Neill was looking pretty dismal too, what was happening here, these two men have or should I say had a bond that I thought no-one could break, was I wrong. Daniel got up, I notice he didn’t even look at O’Neill but he did approach me and whisper.

“I’d like to talk Sir but not here, and not now, maybe if I call in tomorrow we could have a chat.”

I looked at O’Neill as Daniel whispered his words and could see the pain in his eyes. Daniel had always gone to him before, but here he was asking me and although O’Neill couldn’t hear his words his actions spoke volumes and O’Neill was no idiot he knew what was going on.

“Anytime day or night you know where I am”

Daniel pulled back smiled and left the room making no eye contact or conversation with O’Neill at all. I half expected O’Neill to grab him but he didn’t, I don’t think he really knew what to do.

“Colonel O’Neill……Jack let’s go into my office and have a chat”

As I watched him walk into my office I notice he looked tired, as if he hadn’t slept for weeks I’ve got to admit I’m worried, this O’Neill isn’t in control of himself or his team.

“Sit down Jack”

He pulls the chair back and even that looks like an effort, it’s as if all the life has been sucked out of him. Maybe giving SG-1 leave wasn’t such a good idea after all, maybe sending them on a mission would have helped bring them back together, I hope I haven’t made the wrong choice.

“Want to tell me what’s going on?”

“Sir?”

“Jack”

Jack O’Neill

I knew that look it meant stop messing around Jack tell me what’s happening so I can help you. I knew as well as he did that SG-1 was falling apart I think Teal’c and Sam are coming round but Daniel, no way, he hates me and its obvious even to Hammond.

“I don’t think Daniel’s forgiven me for what I said at my house”

I couldn’t even look at him as I said the words, I couldn’t face the disappointment in his eyes.

“Jack look at me, talk to me”

I raised my head but couldn’t seem to lift my eyes to his I sort of stared at his desk as I continued.

“I had to convince Maybourne that I was no longer part of SG-1 and that they meant nothing to me”

“But you didn’t mean what you said it was just a cover, you know that”

“Yes Sir and I thought Daniel would too”

“I’m sure he does”

“I don’t think so”

“Jack, maybe you should sit down and talk to him. I know he’s not exactly approachable at the moment but the longer you leave it, the harder its going to be”

“I know that, but I don’t want to push him and make him feel he’s backed into a corner it might make matters worse”

“Sometimes you have to take a chance Jack and I think now’s the time, don’t you?”

I knew Hammond was right. The truth is I’m scared of what he might say, what if he tells me to go to hell. I don’t want to hear that, I can’t lose our friendship, I won’t.

“Yes Sir, you’re right”

“No time like the present Jack”

I looked up at Hammond and he was gesturing to the door, he was basically telling me to go do it now. I pushed back the chair and stood up.

“Thank you Sir”

As I saluted and said my goodbyes, I looked into his eyes. I never saw disappointment like I expected instead they looked concerned. I decided to drop by Sam’s lab and have a chat mainly to convince myself that not all of my team hated me, just one. As I approached the door I heard two familiar voices Sam and Daniel. So he hadn’t left yet, here was my chance, come on Jack you can do it. I knocked on the door and walked in. Daniel stopped talking immediately and Sam well she didn’t really know what to do so I tried to break the ice.

“Hi kids”

Sam Carter

Daniel had just told me he was going to talk to Hammond tomorrow about how he felt about remaining on SG-1 and now he was silent back into his own world again. Damn you Jack, I couldn’t help myself.

“CAN’T YOU SEE WE’RE IN THE MIDDLE OF SOMETHING HERE”

Daniel looked at me, grabbed my hand, squeezed it and started to leave.

“Bye Sam I’ll call you”

We both knew that wouldn’t happen.

“Don’t forget now will you Daniel”

He looked over his shoulder and grinned at me then he was gone. He never even looked at Jack, on no Jack. I hadn’t meant to sound so nasty I was just angry he’d arrived when he did, now he probably thinks I don’t like him either. He was staring at the floor like a naughty school boy who’d just been told off by a teacher.

“Jack, I’m sorry”

“It’s okay”

“No its not, I shouldn’t have spoken to you like that its just…”

He looked up.

“What?”

“Never mind”

He looked dejected, nice one Sam make him feel even worse. Come on Sam, think, make him understand but don’t tell him about Daniel thinking about leaving SG-1.

“It was just Daniel was telling me something”

“About how much he hates me no doubt”

“He doesn’t hate you Jack”

“Could have fooled me”

“Its just going to take time that’s all. I don’t know what happened that day Daniel came to visit you but I do know he still cares, you just need to let him know you do”

“Is that what he thinks, that I don’t care”

I looked at Jack he was trying really hard to put this macho man image on but I knew he was hurting. I knew what I was saying was ripping him apart I could tell. I walked over to him and put my arm around his shoulder gently pulling him closer.

“He’s confused, I don’t think he really knows what he thinks or feels at the moment, he’s taking all his frustration out on you, deep down he knows what happened that day was because of the mission and nothing more. In time he’ll admit that to himself, until then you’ll just have to be patient and supportive”

“How much time do you think he needs Sam?”

It was a question no one could answer, I knew that, and so did Jack.

“I don’t know”

Jack pulled away. He couldn’t look at me it was tearing me apart never mind him and Daniel. I was watching two of the most important men in my life falling apart.

“Bye Sam don’t forget what Hammond said”

I couldn’t help but smile at that last statement. Here he was on the verge of breaking down and yet he’s still telling me to get a rest, still looking after me.

“I won’t”

He looked back over his shoulder and smiled but it didn’t reach his eyes, then he was gone.

Jack O’Neill

I walked down the corridor deep in thought it was like I was in auto-pilot or something. I signed out and went to wait by the elevator. I must have waited about two minutes and then the doors opened, I stepped in and was about to press the button to close the doors when a familiar figure came inside and stood beside me.

“Daniel”

“Jack”

Daniel reached over and pressed the close door button, then level one and the elevator started its climb to the surface.

“I’m sorry Daniel”

He didn’t react at all.

“I’m sorry about what I said at the house Daniel, you know I didn’t mean it, don’t you”

He looked at me his eyes full of hate and resentment.

“Sometimes sorry isn’t enough”

The words hit me like a knife stabbing at my heart. I don’t think Daniel even noticed me stepping back, I honestly thought I was going to pass out. It seemed like hours going to the surface we stood in silence the rest of the way. When the doors opened all I wanted to do was run, get as far away as possible from Daniel, coz standing next to him in silence was killing me. I had to get him to listen to me, I had to make one last attempt so I grabbed his arm.

“Daniel please listen to me. I don’t want to lose our friendship”

The words fell on deaf ears, he pulled his arm violently from my grip, turned his back and left.

Daniel Jackson

I could have answered Jack but I didn’t want to. I wanted to hurt him, let he know how I felt when he’d said all those things to me before. Jack and everyone else keep telling me it was just for the mission but I can’t help thinking there was some truth in what he said. The problem is I’m not sure I trust him anymore and he betrayed me.

General Hammond

The phone rang and as I picked it up I looked at my watch 12.00 most of the day had gone already and it had been nearly a week since SG-1 had gone on leave.

“General Hammond”

I recognized the voice on the other end of the line immediately.

“Hello Daniel”

“Sir, I was wondering if I could come in and have that chat today. I’m sorry I didn’t call you last week”

“What time did you have in mind?”

“About 2.00”

“No problem I’ll see you then”

I had hoped that Daniel had sorted himself out. He hadn’t called the next day so I’d assumed that Jack had managed to have a chat and they’d solved their differences, but looks like that had been wishful thinking on my part. It seemed only seconds and it was 2.00 and Daniel was knocking at the door. I looked up and noticed that he seemed troubled.

“Come on in son”

Daniel pulled the chair back wearily in the same sort of movement as Jack had nearly a week earlier.

“So what’s the problem”

No point beating around the bush any longer this problem needs to be sorted once and for all and if they’re not going to do it on their own then maybe its time I sorted it out.

“Sir. I’ve had a week to think it over and I’m sure I’m making the right decision, I’d like to resign from SG-1”

“What?”

“I’d like to resign from SG-1”

“I heard you the first time Dr Jackson”

“Then why did you say what”

“I meant to say why”

“I don’t think I can work with Jack I mean Colonel O’Neill anymore”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. What the hell had Jack said to Daniel that day, this was getting way out of hand and it had to stop NOW.

“Daniel you have a very promising career here at the SGC are you willing to throw that away over a few spoken words”

Daniel looked shocked, damn George he probably realizes that Jack’s been talking to you now. I hope that hasn’t been the last nail in the coffin so to speak.

“Its not just what he said but how he said it, I feel betrayed by him and I don’t trust him anymore going on a mission with him would endanger everyone’s life.”

Surely he must realize Jack would never have intentionally hurt him. I know how dangerous it is to go on a mission with someone you don’t trust, but we’re talking about Daniel and Jack here, this can’t be happening.

“Call me George this chat is off the record as of now”

“But I want it on the record Sir. I want to resign from SG-1”

“Daniel think about what you’re saying. I know that Jack regrets what happened that day more than you or anyone realizes. But nothing he says or does is ever going to change it. I always thought your friendship was strong enough to overcome any problem, don’t prove me wrong”

“I’m sorry Sir but I really think this is the best move for both of us. I don’t hate Jack but I don’t like him either and I’m afraid if I continue to stay on SG-1, eventually I’ll grow to hate him and I don’t want that.”

I could see he was fighting for control he could so easily fall apart but he was trying to be strong. The mere mention of Jacks name caused him pain I could tell.

“How about I move you to another SG unit temporarily until this situation with Jack is resolved”

“No Sir”

“Why not”

“I’d still see Jack and I don’t want to, I want to get away from him Sir”

I couldn’t think. Here was Daniel sitting in front of me resigning. I couldn’t let him do it I had to convince him somehow I’m just not too sure how.

“Have you talked to Sam about your decision?”

“No”

“How do you think she’ll feel?”

“She’ll understand”

Come on George think you’ve got to get control here the kids winning.

“How about you go think it over again and we’ll discuss it when you report back to work next week”

“I don’t need to think about it Sir. I know its what I want”

“Well its not what I want and I need time to think. I refuse to accept your resignation at this stage Daniel we’ll discuss it further next week”

Daniel looked like he was about to say something else so I quickly got up and held out my hand

“Goodbye Daniel”

He looked straight into my eyes. God I hope he couldn’t see the fear in there, I don’t know what I’m going to do but I’ve got to keep this unit together no matter what.

“Goodbye General Hammond”

“Daniel”

“Sir”

“I don’t want to lose anyone”

“I know”

“Talk to Jack Daniel you need to”

“I can’t”

“Try”

With that Daniel turned and left my office. I slumped back into my chair my head was spinning, how the hell do I get out of this one.

Its been six days since I spoke to Daniel he’s made no further contact with me I hope that’s a good sign. I’ve spoken to Jack a couple of times used a couple of silly excuses to call, he knows I’m checking up on him. I’m not really sure I’m doing the right thing but here goes. I pick up the phone and dial it seems to ring for ages then I hear the receiver being picked up.

“Hello Colonel Jack O’Neill here”

“Hello Jack”

“General, what is it this time?”

He sounded happier than he had for nearly two weeks probably the thought of getting back to work tomorrow, maybe telling him wasn’t such a good idea after all.

“General are you still there?”

Had I been quiet that long.

“Jack I’d like you to come and see me, today if possible”

“What’s wrong?”

He wasn’t stupid he knew something was wrong, why would I call today when he’s back tomorrow unless it was urgent.

“I need to see you”

“Is it Daniel, has something happened to him?”

There was panic in his voice. Funny how his first thoughts went to Daniel shows how much the kid means to him.

“He’s fine. I don’t want to discuss it over the phone Jack can you come in?”

“Yes Sir”

“What time shall I schedule our meeting for?”

“I’ll leave immediately should take me about 45 minutes and I’ll be there”

“Fine. I’ll see you then. Bye Jack”

“Bye Sir”

As I replaced the receiver I’m sure I heard Jack swear under his breath. Knowing him he’ll already be on his Harley driving like an idiot at top speed to get here. Don’t rush Jack. I don’t think you’re in a hurry to hear what I’ve got to say.

Jack O’Neill

I know its not good otherwise Hammond would never have asked me to go in. I grab my helmet and rush out the door, jump on the Harley and rev like a madman, release the throttle and I’m on my way. Normally I enjoy riding my bike but not today, today all I want is to get to the SGC as quickly as possible. New record 35 minutes lucky I wasn’t caught for speeding. The door to General Hammond’s office is slightly open I give it a quick tap.

“Come in”

I push the door open and as he looks up I can see in his eyes its way worse than I first thought.

“Jack that was quick, must be a new record”

“Yep 35 minutes”

“Sit down”

I pull the chair out and sit down looking directly at Hammond.

“What’s up Sir?”

General Hammond

He’s looking at me. I can tell he just wants me to tell him but he’s patiently sitting waiting for me to reply.

“Jack, I’m not really sure where to start”

“Why not from the beginning Sir”

He’s trying to make it easier for me by joking around but I can tell he’s scared to death.

“I had a visit the other day from Daniel”

I watch his reaction, he doesn’t seem surprised.

“I shouldn’t really be discussing this with you but I thought you should know”

“Know what?”

I know he’s unsure of what’s coming next but his reserve is amazing I don’t know whether I’d be so calm in his position.

“Daniel attempted to resign from SG-1”

“WHAT”

The reserve’s gone now. I thought he was going to fall off his chair.

“I refused it, but told him we would discuss it further after he had more time to think about it”

“Why discuss it further, its out of the question, he can’t”

“Jack, its not our decision its his”

“What reason did he give for wanting to resign?”

I knew he was going to ask it sooner or later so why was it such a shock when he did. He was watching every movement I made, keep calm George, deep breath.

“Its to do with what happened in your house. I don’t exactly know what you said but he feels that you betrayed him, he says that he can’t trust you anymore and that it would be a danger for him to remain on SG-1”

Jack slumped forward and held his head in his hands in resignation of what I’d said. None of us spoke for what seemed like ages.

“Jack”

He looked up, you could see the tears he was holding back, fighting to keep control of his emotions.

“I never meant what I said”

I could only just make out the words he said them so quietly.

“I know that”

“What can I do General. I tried talking to him but he just doesn’t want to listen. I was hoping that the break would have given him time to think, time to realize that it was all a cover for Maybourne but instead its just made him hate me more”

He gets up and walks towards the window to look out at the Stargate purposefully turning his back to me so that I can’t see what he’s going through.

“He doesn’t hate you Jack I think that’s what he’s afraid of”

“Afraid of?”

His voice is becoming more like a whisper.

“I think he believes that resigning will give you both the space you need to re-build your friendship. I don’t want him to leave either but we may not have a choice here Jack”

“Why not put him into another SG unit for now”

How could I answer that, those were the exact thoughts I’d had and Daniel had knocked them back in my face. As if he knew I was hiding something he turned around and walked straight over to my desk.

“You already suggested that to him didn’t you?”

I had no problems hearing Jack now, what were whispers had become strong controlled words that he wanted to be heard. His eyes were demanding an answer I had to look away.

“Yes”

“What did he say?”

I couldn’t see his face basically because I didn’t want to, but I could tell by his voice he wanted to know the answer but at the same time he didn’t.

“General, what did he say?”

He repeated the question his voice sounded more desperate somehow. I had to turn and look at him.

“He said that being on another SG unit wouldn’t solve the problem, you would still be here”

He wasn’t reacting at all like I’d expected. I don’t think he really knew what to do. The phone rang and I answered it quickly, told the cadent to get lost in as nice a way as I possibly could and turned back to Jack. He was huddled up in a corner sitting on the floor his arms wrapped tightly around his legs with his face buried. I knelt down next to him and gently touched his shoulder, he lifted his head, there were no tears but I saw nothing but despair in his eyes.

“He’s going to leave isn’t he Sir”

“I think so Jack. He sounded pretty positive that’s what he wanted”

“No, what he wants is to be away from me”

“Don’t be so hard on yourself Jack. I’m sorry you had to do that mission I never thought it would come to this”

“But it has”

What could I say to that, nothing, that’s what, absolutely nothing.

“Sir I’d like to request earlier retirement”

“What?”

I can’t believe my ears what the hell’s going on first Daniel and now Jack.

“If I leave he’ll stay it’s the only solution”

“That’s not an option Jack”

“Not your choice Sir”

Using my own words against me very clever Jack. I’m looking straight into his eyes pleading with him to think about what he’s saying but I can tell its useless he’s made his mind up and unlike Daniel once Jack makes a decision that’s it.

“You could be throwing your career away for nothing. How about I give you more leave?”

“Not going to solve the problem he’ll still leave”

“How about you, Daniel and me sit down tomorrow and thrash this thing out once and for all”

“Nope”

“Why not?”

“Not going to be here tomorrow I just retired”

“Jack come on be sensible you’re worse than Daniel”

I’m sure I saw a glint in his eye when I said that, like as if he took it as a compliment. But it was too late we both knew Jack had made his mind up.

“I hope Daniel appreciates what you’re doing for him”

Jack stretched his hand out.

“Just make sure he’s happy”

I wanted to knock his hand and tell him to stop acting like a child but I know this man and I know that if I did that I’d never see him again.

“The door is always open Jack”

“Yes Sir”

We shook hands and saluted each other out of respect and he turned to leave.

“I’ll not send the paperwork regarding this away for at least 6 weeks incase you change your mind”

He looked over his shoulder and smiled.

Jack O’Neill

I left the General’s office and walked down the corridors they seemed empty somehow, maybe it was just me I don’t know. I thought I’d drop by the Infirmary and say bye to Janet, but when I got there I could see she had her hands full. I asked her nurse to let her know I’d dropped by and tell her I’ll give her a call. She looked a bit confused I mean I was coming back tomorrow as far as she was concerned.

I jumped on my Harley and headed back home. Didn’t drive like a madman on the way back in fact I don’t even remember how I got back, just that I did and it was late. The answering machine was beeping so I pressed play to hear Sam reminding me it was back to the old grindstone tomorrow or at least it was for her. I went to the fridge opened some bottles of beer and crashed out in front of the TV.

General Hammond

I walked into the meeting room and looked at three faces waiting for their next mission. I took a deep breath.

“Hello everyone I hope you all enjoyed your leave. I’ve scheduled your departure to P3X-456 its at 1400”

Before I could say anything else Sam’s interrupting me.

“Sir Colonel O’Neill isn’t here yet shouldn’t we wait”

“I don’t think that’s necessary Major”

Baffled looks are scattered amongst the remaining members of SG-1.

“But Sir”

“Major as of yesterday Colonel O’Neill is no longer employed by the SGC”

I’m not sure who was shocked the most. Sam went white and suddenly lost her voice, Daniel was stunned but somehow looked upset. I was more than shocked myself when Teal’c spoke up.

“What has happened to Colonel O’Neill?”

“Nothing”

“Then why is he no longer here?”

With this question all three were staring at me, pleading me to tell them what was going on, where their CO was.

“Colonel O’Neill has decided to take early retirement”

Teal’c looked at Sam and she shrugged her shoulders. Daniel was knocking a pen up and down and his tapping was getting louder then all of a sudden he stood up.

“What the hell is going on General?”

“Nothing”

“Oh come on. Everyone in this room knows that Jack wouldn’t retire its his whole life”

“Things change Daniel”

“What things?”

I’d expected Sam and Teal’c to speak up, but they weren’t even getting a chance. Daniel was asking all the questions, demanding all the answers. What the hells going on.

“General”

“Look, Colonel O’Neill has made his decision, it may not be what we want, I know for damn sure it not what I want, but there’s nothing we can do about it. Don’t you think I spent all afternoon yesterday trying to talk him round”

I was out of line, I shouldn’t have took at them like that but damn it, I wanted O’Neill here as much as they did.

“I think maybe we’ll delay that mission until 1400 tomorrow, give everyone a chance get used to the fact that Colonel O’Neill is no longer part of SG-1”

I looked around the table, Daniel had sat back down and was staring at a piece of paper as if it was his life line, Sam was on the verge of tears I could tell and Teal’c well he’d regained control of himself and was sitting waiting to be dismissed.

“SG-1 dismissed”

They all got up and left heads hanging down and looking like they’d just lost an arm.

Daniel Jackson

I’d come back today sure that resigning was my best move and then bang Jacks not here he’s retired. Why would he do that he loves it here. Is it something to do with our last conversation. I need to speak to General Hammond.

“Hey guys”

Sam and Teal’c turn and look at me.

“I think I’m going to see General Hammond, you know, try and find out what’s going on”

They both smile but Sam comes over and grabs my hands.

“See”

“I’m sorry Sam I don’t understand what you mean”

“You don’t hate him. We all saw how you reacted back there. Why don’t you go see him, talk to him, you still care Daniel whether you want to admit it or not, you’re the only who can’t see it”

She lets go of my hand and runs after Teal’c who is now quite a way in front of her. As I’m walking to General Hammond’s office I start thinking about what Sam said. I do care, the thought of Jack not being here cut me like a knife, why didn’t I see it before. I know he never meant what he said. I always knew, so why wouldn’t I just admit that to myself, why does it take him not being here to make me see sense.

I get to General Hammonds office but Janet’s there. I know I shouldn’t listen but I heard Jack mentioned so I couldn’t help it.

General Hammond

“Janet there was nothing I could do he’d made his mind up don’t you think I tried”

“He called into the infirmary to say goodbye”

“What was he like when you saw him?”

“I didn’t see him I was in surgery but he left a message with one of my nurses”

“I’m sure he’ll call”

“She said he looked like hell. Sir what happened?”

Daniel Jackson

What does she mean looked like hell. I had to get closer, I had to listen to what was being said. I sneaked a little further into the briefing room, practically crawled along the floor and hid under the window, they wouldn’t see me here as long as they didn’t leave General Hammonds office.

General Hammond

“Janet I really don’t think you need to know the whole story”

“Yes I do. I’m still his doctor”

Typical of this woman making sure he’s all right even when he doesn’t care himself.

“He’s no longer part of the SGC Janet you have no control over him, and neither do I”

“But using your own words Sir. You told me just minutes ago that you’ve put him off on compassionate leave for the next 6 weeks just incase he changes his mind, so with all due respect he is still my patient”

I must be getting old 2 days in a row being quoted back to by my own staff.

“Janet, please leave this one alone I’m begging you. I don’t think he could take much more”

She thought about it for a second.

“Just tell me one thing Sir”

“What?”

“Do you think he might try to kill himself?”

I could see the worry in her face we both knew Jack’s past and what he’d been through. He’d come close to killing himself when his son had died and I had to admit although I don’t think he would, I won’t deny that the thought hadn’t crossed my mind.

Daniel Jackson

I listened to what they were saying but General Hammond wasn’t really giving much away. At least Jack could still come back, General Hammond hadn’t given up hope yet, that’s got to be a good sign. But Janet’s words were whirling round in my mind over and over again. I had to really concentrate to hear Hammonds answer.

General Hammond

“I don’t think so, but he’s really low Janet, he’s close to the edge”

“Sir let me help him tell me what happened”

She was pleading with me. I know I shouldn’t but I had to share the burden of what had happened maybe she could find a way to repair Jack and Daniel’s friendship.

“Promise me its goes no further than this room”

“Promise”

“Daniel rang me a week ago and informed me that he wanted to resign”

“I don’t understand”

“He said he couldn’t work with Jack after what happened on his last mission”

“He’ll come round”

“I didn’t think so, but now I’m not so sure after the way he reacted today”

“So I’m guessing you told Jack about Daniel”

“I thought it was the best move, call Jack in, have a chat, come up with a plan to keep Daniel”

“What went wrong?”

“I was a bit too honest”

“In what way”

“I told him how Daniel felt he’d betrayed him”

“I’m sure Jack could have handled that Sir, he believes in Daniel enough to know he’ll come round in the end”

“He did”

“I don’t understand”

“Jack suggested moving Daniel to another SG unit”

“That was a good idea”

“I thought that and I’d already suggested it to Daniel when he came in. But he’d said that he wanted to get away from Jack and leaving was the best thing for both of them”

“And you told Jack this”

“Yes. Looking back it wasn’t my finest hour of command”

“You did what you thought was right Sir”

“I tried to explain that Daniel didn’t hate him but I don’t think he was listening. I suggested the three of us sitting down together and having a chat, but he just informed me that he wasn’t going to be here”

I had to stop, compose myself, Janet realized this was hard for me. I’d screwed up and destroyed a man, but not just any man, Jack. I took a deep breath.

“He wouldn’t listen I told him the door was always open but he left. I’ll never forget his last words”

I drifted into my thoughts.

“General what did he say?”

“Just make sure he’s happy”

Daniel Jackson

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I had to see Jack now. I crawled along the floor and managed to sneak out of the briefing room without anyone realizing I was even there. I rushed down the corridors I had to get to Jack. I signed out and asked them to phone for a cab as I approached the elevator I saw Sam, she looked worried.

“I’m just popping out I’ll be back soon”

“What did General Hammond say?”

Think fast Daniel she won’t believe you if you say you didn’t go.

“He was in a meeting I’ll catch him later”

That answer seemed to satisfy her and she smiled. Just then the doors of the elevator swished open so I stepped in.

“Bye Sam. I won’t be long”

“Bye Daniel”

The doors closed and I pushed the level one button and waited for the elevator to reach the surface. It seemed to take hours, always does when you’re in a rush. I had to wait for the cab, when I jumped inside I practically screamed Jack’s address at the driver.

“Sorry about that, its just I’m in a rush”

The driver didn’t look too impressed but turned round and started driving.

Jack O’Neill

How much beer did I drink last night. I’ve got a headache from hell, it hurts just to lift my head. I look around and there’s bottles everywhere. I don’t think I drank that many, surely not. I counted them, 18 bottles and they were just flung anywhere. Oh well its not like anyone’s going visit so they can stay there. I pull myself up holding my head coz I think it’s going to drop off my shoulder's if I don’t. I know I’ve got some painkillers here somewhere, Janet’s always giving me something and I never use all of them. I get up and knock about 4 bottles over smashing them on the floor, then scrabble around in the cupboards and find about 5 different types of painkillers. I stagger back to the couch brush all the crap off the top of the table and pour all the tablets on top on it. I choose some pink colored tablets, I seem to remember them being pretty good, take a couple and decide to try and make it to bed.

Daniel Jackson

The cab finally pulls up outside Jacks house. I can’t see any movement, oh god I hope he hasn’t done anything stupid. I’m throwing my money at the driver now.

“Wait a minute here’s your change”

I turn and shout back.

“Who cares about the change keep it”

I rush up his drive and ring the doorbell. Come on Jack how long does it take to answer the door. I’m starting to get impatient now.

“Jack”

No answer. I’m banging hard on the door now.

“Jack”

I know I’m starting to sound hysterical but I don’t care.

“Open the door Jack, please”

Still nothing, my hands are starting to bleed I’m banging that hard, there’s no way he can’t hear, hell the whole street can hear me but I don’t care. All I want is to see him, make sure he’s alright. I go round the back to see if I can see him through the patio doors. I can’t see him but I can see loads of beer bottles and tablets spread all over the table. I feel my heart thumping hard in my chest, all I want to do is drop down and cry right there and then, but I can’t, he might still be alive, I’ve got to get inside. I look around and see a baseball bat propped against the wall I grab it and start swinging at the glass, it smashes easily I stick my hand through and unlock the door using the key. I think the doors going to come off in my hand I pull it that hard, but at least I can get inside now.

“Jack”

Come on Jack, answer me please.

“What !!”

He sounded angry, but he’s alive that was the main thing. He walked into the room holding his head. When he saw the mess I’d made on his patio doors I thought he was going to explode.

“What the hell happened?”

“You never answered me”

“I couldn’t hear you”

“I thought”

“You thought what?”

I couldn’t even look him in the eye, if I told him what I thought I could push him over the edge. General Hammond already said he close to it, and looking at the state of his house, he was right. He must have seen me looking around the room and realized what I’d thought.

“You thought I’d killed myself didn’t you?”

“No”

He knew I was lying.

“Do you think I’ve learnt nothing from you over these past few years”

He was shouting at me, I’d really pissed him off.

“I’m sorry about the doors. I’ll pay for them to get repaired”

He looked at me and smirked.

“Forget it”

“No Jack. I’m really sorry, please let me pay”

I can’t believe we’re standing here discussing who’s going to pay for the doors. He’s walking towards me now still holding his head.

“What’s the matter with your head?”

“Hang over”

I looked around at the scattered bottles all over the place and the smashed glass on the floor, I jumped a mile when he spoke.

“18”

“What?”

“18 bottles”

“No wonder you’ve got a hang over”

There it is again the O’Neill smile, thought I’d never see that again. He walks to the couch and sits down.

“Aren’t you staying then?”

I grab the chair opposite and drop myself down. He starts laughing.

“What’s so funny?”

“You are Daniel”

I’m not too sure how to take that. I must frown or something because suddenly Jack looks worried like he’s said something wrong. I wave my hand at him and try to make light of the situation.

“Always happy to oblige the elderly”

He starts to smile, but it doesn’t last long. Suddenly he’s on his feet and heading straight for me.

“What’s the matter Jack?”

I’ve got to admit he’s scaring me, he looks furious, way worse that what he did when he saw what I’d done to the door.

“What happened to you?”

He’s pointing to my knuckles. Oh yeah I’d forgotten about them.

“Oh, I banged them”

“On what?”

“Your door”

He looked confused. I don’t think he expected that answer.

“You mean, you cut them when you put your hand through the glass”

He was pointing at the patio doors.

“No, I mean when I was banging on your front door yelling Jack and you weren’t answering”

I think he was getting the picture now because he’s starting to look embarrassed.

“Want me to take a look at them?”

“No, they’re alright”

He went back and sat down on the couch again.

“What are you doing here Daniel, shouldn’t you be at the SGC?”

A door I couldn’t believe it he was giving me a way in.

“Missed you”

“I don’t think so Daniel. What’s the matter, is Sam and Teal’c alright?”

Come on Daniel think, you’ve got to win him back the man thinks you hate him.

“Why did you retire Jack?”

That got his attention I can tell in his eyes, he’s not sure where I’m coming from now.

“Getting too old”

“No you’re not, come on Jack, why?”

“It’s the right time”

“For who?”

“Me”

Jack got up and walked over to the fridge to get another beer no doubt.

“Want a drink?”

“No thanks”

“Mind if I have one?”

“No”

I was losing him, he was going to crack open a beer to drown his sorrows. I thought that Jack was gone. I thought we could talk (but he thinks you hate him I could hear the words in my mind).

“Jack”

I thought he was going to bang his head he jumped that high.

“Sorry”

“It’s ok”

He was walking back to the couch now, he sat down and placed his drink on the table, it was orange juice.

“You know the other day in the lift when you said you were sorry”

I saw the pain in his eyes.

“Yeah”

“I never meant it”

“Never meant what Daniel?”

“Sometimes sorry isn’t enough”

“Oh I think you did”

“I just wanted to hurt you. I wanted you to know how much your words had hurt me so I said something I’ll regret for the rest of my life”

“I’d love to believe you Daniel, but I can’t”

“Jack, please listen to me. I made a huge mistake, I went to General Hammond and told him I felt betrayed by you and I know he told you that because I over-heard him telling Janet”

“What!!!!”

He was on his feet now and boy was he angry. He walked up the mantle piece, grabbed a picture then flung it across the room.

“I lied”

“You did a good job then coz you really convinced Hammond”

I walked over to him and pulled his arm so that he was facing me. I wanted to see his face when I said my next words.

“I went in today to tell you and General Hammond that I was leaving. But when I got there you weren’t in. I asked where you were and all I was told was, that you had retired”

He was looking straight at me. Come on Daniel you can do this.

“You’d think I’d be happy right. Well I wasn’t, in fact I felt like my best friend had died. I wanted answers and General Hammond wasn't very forth coming, he actually dismissed us all and told us that things happen and to get used to the fact that you were no longer part of the SGC”

He was listening to every word. I couldn’t make out what he was thinking all I knew was this was it, if I didn’t convince him how much I needed him right now, I never would.

“I decided to ask General Hammond on my own, but when I went to his office he was talking to Janet. I heard him tell her, that he’d told you that I felt you’d betrayed me, that I no longer wanted to be at the SGC because I wanted to get as far away from you as possible. And all those things General Hammond said were true, I honestly believed them when I told him, but I don’t anymore. I realized when you weren’t there how much I missed you”

He looked straight into my eyes.

“No Daniel you’re right. Sometimes sorry isn’t enough and this is one of those times. I can never take back those words and I can’t forget the look in your eyes when I said them.”

“But Jack”

“Daniel please, I think its time you left”

I couldn’t let him walk away, this was my best friend, I had to convince him somehow.

“Jack. Remember in the corridor when I said we drew straws I lost”

“Yeah”

“I never lost”

“What are you talking about Daniel?”

“I told Sam and Teal’c I’d come to see you, talk to you, I wanted you to know I still cared and that it didn’t matter what you’d done as long as we were still friends”

“Then why say it”

“Thought I was being funny at the time, but it sort of back fired. I saw the hurt in your eyes when I said it, your act didn’t wash with me, I knew what you were really thinking and it hurt me to think I’d caused you pain”

“It wasn’t anything less than I deserved Daniel”

I don’t believe it, he doesn’t even want to give himself a chance, I’ll never convince him but I can’t stop trying.

“Look lets wipe the slate clean and start again”

It seemed like forever before he answered.

“No”

I couldn’t believe it I’d lost him. I’d destroyed the only man who'd been there for me when I’d needed him. The one who helped me through the restless nights and been the shoulder to cry on when things seemed at their worst. My best friend lost forever, my legs gave way and I slumped back down into the chair.

Jack O’Neill

I know Daniel, he’s feeling guilty. It must have looked pretty bad when he looked inside, the place is in such a mess, he must have thought I’d tried to kill myself. If our friendship was to survive we had to build it on trust not guilt.

“Daniel maybe you should go back to the SGC”

He didn’t answer me, he didn’t even look up, he just sat there staring into oblivion. I walk over and touch his arm.

“Daniel”

Nothing, he’s just sitting there.

“Daniel come on what’s the matter”

“Sorry”

“What?”

“I said sorry”

“I heard you, come on its time you went home”

I try to pull him to his feet but he’s like a dead weight pulling against me.

“Lost”

“What are you talking about Daniel”

“I lost…”

“Oh we’re back on the straws again”

“No”

“What’s lost then your keys?”

“No”

He was making no sense. I touch him and he doesn’t even notice.

“Come on Daniel snap out of it”

He looks straight at me.

“Please Jack, I can’t lose”

I’m looking straight into his eyes. I’m shaking him like a madman but still nothing.

“Come on Daniel you’re scaring me now”

“I need you Jack”

At last something I understand.

“Daniel we’ll always be friends don’t forget that”

“You said no”

“What?”

“You won’t wipe the slate clean”

He was looking at me his eyes were pleading, maybe it wasn’t guilt, maybe he really meant it.

“We’re friends Daniel we don’t need to wipe the slate clean, friends forgive and forget”

“Forgive and forget. You rarely forget Jack”

“Huh?”

“Remember when we came back from Abydos. You gave me a beer and said that you’d never forgive yourself for what happened to Charlie; but sometimes, sometimes, you could forget”

Hell that was ages ago, but he remembered it as if I’d said it only yesterday.

“That was a long time ago Daniel a lots happened since then”

Daniel looked up and I saw tears in his eyes, I could tell he was trying to hide them, but it wasn’t working.

“I lost Sha’uri and Skaara back then. I had no one, but you took me in, protected me”

I smiled and knelt down beside him.

“Come on Daniel, pull yourself together”

“Please Jack I’m sorry, I know I’ve hurt you but I can’t lose you aswell”

I suddenly realized what he meant by lost.

“You haven’t lost me Daniel I’m right here”

That didn’t exactly come out right but it got a smile out of Daniel so I’m happy. I look into his blue eyes and see the man who changed my life, how could I have been so stupid. I was hurting him more now than I ever did before.

“Daniel I’m sorry”

“No Jack I’m sorry”

“Tell you what lets call it quits”

The phone rings, I try to ignore it but they’re not giving up. I grab the receiver.

“What”

I shouldn’t have snapped like that, I don’t even know who’s on the other end.

“Sorry Jack, I was wondering if you’d seen Daniel”

It was Sam, she must be worried.

“Yeah he’s here”

“Is everything alright?”

I looked over at Daniel he was getting himself a drink, making himself at home.

“Everything’s fine Sam but I don’t think he’ll be coming back this afternoon”

“That’s good”

I knew she got the message she’s pretty smart like that.

“Bye Sir”

“Bye Sam”

I put the receiver down and turn to look at Daniel and he smiles.

“Jack you know I don’t need another friend”

I’m not quite sure what he means here, but I know I’ve got to trust that this conversation is going in the right direction.

“Really?”

“Yeah”

“What do you need then?”

“I need a best friend”

“Looks like you’re in luck then Space Monkey”

I ruffled his hair in a playful manner then crashed out on the couch. I knew everything was going to be alright, my best friend was back, we were back. All I need to do now is get my job back.

Daniel Jackson

I don’t know how it happened but I’ve got my best friend back and I know he’s back because he called me Space Monkey.